I knew this subject needed to be addressed, but I kept putting it off. There are so many variables. It seems an entire library could be written on this subject. Sadly, none of these books would be written by a perpetrator. I think if we were given a book written by one of these men, it might give us some idea how to deal with them; but there are as many different types of aggressors as there are types of rapes. Sadly, I have been through several.
I was volunteering at the food bank one day, and my mom texted: “I have read on the Internet that 1 in 6 women are raped.” This was just random, not a part of a conversation we were having. The next day I got another text: “Most men are not raped. I was.” She went on: “I told dad I was before we were married.” She continued: “My mom was raped when she was 15.” My mom had just turned 70 a few days before she texted and being raped as a teenager still upset her. My mother has since passed away. But it was her texting that finally motivated me to start this chapter.
The actual number for rape globally is:
1 in 3 women have been raped or had an attempted rape. These are just reported numbers; most rapes are not reported.
What does that number tell us? To get an idea of this, look to your left, and then look to your right. One of every three women has been or had an attempted rape. I have heard men say that if women did not wear makeup, or dress so provocatively, then we would not have worry about it. However, if you go to some countries where women “know their place,” wear burkas, and are forbidden from wearing makeup, the number of rapes actually INCREASES! In these countries, the number is 1 in 2 women being assaulted.
You might be thinking: “Now Cristyna, men are rape victims too.” This is true, very true. As a matter of fact, 21.4% of men have reported being sexually violated. In that number, 28% report the violation being done prior to the age of ten. So, an undeveloped brain that is learning how to navigate in society has now been assaulted. I would like you to do more research and not make assumptions here. What has also been shown is that the majority of the assailants to men are male. Boys are being attacked by grown men. This is not a “female” crime, even though it is called a “woman’s issue”.
The best way I can think of to address rape is to walk you through mine (What I was feeling. How I reacted. What issues came up later.) Your experience was different, but there are probably some strong similarities. You can use my pain and hurt to stand on while you build your own recovery system. It most likely will not be the same as mine, but it might help. (Like Legos or play dough, you can build different things, but first you might need the equipment to build with.) I have lived through, survived, and overcome multiple rapes.
My first rape:
We lived in the Brazee house, so there was a door and a stairwell outside my room. It must have been summer. I was wearing a nighty, probably with Holly Hobby or Strawberry short cake on it. According to my mother’s account, I was in the 6-year-old range. It was before the molestations started because I did not know what sex was.
I woke to something very heavy on me. I tried to toss, but I could not move. I heard a voice say “don’t scream” as something cold touched my neck. It was sharp. If I moved, it would rub my neck in a painful way. His weight shifted onto his right side, the one holding the knife, and he reached down with his left hand. He pulled my nighty up and my panties aside. He inserted his fingers first and moved them around. I recognize now he was trying to stretch me out. His weight shifted again as he forced his way inside of me. Once he had penetration, he used his left hand to cup over my mouth. I remember how cold the blade on my throat felt and the wetness of my tears as I started to cry. It hurt so bad. There was an internal pressure to join the weight of his body on me. I only remember a few strokes. I either passed out from the pain or blacked out from the trauma. When I woke, I still hurt so bad as if he were still inside of me. I was terrified too!
I ran down to the basement where my parents were, and I am sure I knocked first, but when I opened the door, I heard my mom crying. Then my dad started screaming at me. He was mad at me for being out of bed and that I knew better. He continued with “Get your ass back to bed NOW!” I went back to my room crying and in pain. I froze when I opened my door and saw the outside door was still open. I slammed it and then barricaded it the best I could. I moved my bed over and put every movable object in my room in front of it. I sat curled in a ball, rocking myself, terrified, until I finally cried myself to sleep. I am sure I behaved funny for a couple of days, but then it was gone! The memories didn’t resurface until my flashbacks started.
In therapy my mother helped me piece together that night. I was not the perpetrator’s first target that evening. The basement also had a set of stairs leading to an outside door. The assailant went to my mom’s room first. He pinned her to the bed and likewise held a knife to her throat. My mom had a baby crying in the room. The way we know my age is which brother that was the baby then. My mom said she started praying aloud that God would save her, calling on Jesus for help. It deterred the attacker enough that he left before she was raped. He then found another set of stairs, and it went to my room. My mom had called dad to come home, and by the time I arrived at the basement door, he was already dealing with a hysterical woman. They did not know I had just been raped instead. At that time, I did not know what rape was, I just knew I couldn’t handle a beating to go with the pain I was already in.
This type of perpetrator is just a sick fuck! He was not a pedophile; he targeted a grown woman first. He was not specifically targeting my mom; he went to the next room available. He was just wanting to put his dick in something. It could have just as likely happened to one of my brothers. I never needed to “forgive him.” By the time the memories came through, and I could see what happened, I was a grown adult and more aware of the world. I found him easy to dismiss like a villain in a movie or scum under a rock.
A compounding wound here, though, was my mother. My little brain could not process this trauma at the time, so it made it “Go Away.” My mom was already a grown up and aware of the world, so she did have a chance to process it (sort of). In therapy, my mom apologized over and over that she had no idea what had happened to me. She was scared and called my dad. It did not occur to her that the man went to my room next. That sucked but was acceptable. Now it circles back to the beginning of this chapter, my mom mentioning rape.
My mom got sick, she was diagnosed with progressive supranuclear palsy. Basically, her brain was not what it used to be. When she started texting me about rape out of the blue, I knew it was not going to be pretty. Her texts continued over the next couple of days. While reliving the traumas in detail, she brought back up that night. I reminded her that although she had escaped the rape, the assailant did go to my room next. She met this with “So you understand!” and continued to describe how the man had her pinned with a knife at her throat and started fingering her. There was no connection with the fact that this man not only continued to rape a 6-year-old that night, but that it was her daughter and the person she was talking to on the phone. It is a good thing I had already worked through my issues with rape.
Rape 2+:
Between elementary school and high school, we moved around a lot. We stayed here and there with people and even at a campsite for a time. It seems like I had not started high school yet, so I am guessing that it was somewhere in the 11–13-year-old range. We moved to a little community outside of town. I do have several fond memories of that place; it was not all bad. There were some older boys. They were in the 17–19-year age group. They were not quite “men,” but not boys either. It seems like I had a crush on one of them.
I have no idea how it started, but for a while, I became their live sex doll. There were multiple locations and multiple assailants. They would strip me down and pass me around or assault together. I had multiple instances of what felt like men touching, licking, sucking, and penetrating me simultaneously. They would pass me back and forth hooting and hollering, even laughing while they violated me over and over. It probably went on until we moved again.
Make no mistake; this is rape. A 12-year-old cannot consent to sex. By this point, I had already been raped and molested for years, so I may have just assumed this is what happens. I can see every detail of their bodies and faces now. My emotions at the time were numb. I did not understand why they were having such a good time; I wasn’t.
I saved you from the graphic details, but they are playing in my mind as I write this. This is important to bring up. These memories were GONE until I used ayahuasca. There was a small boy in the neighborhood that unfortunately watched. He must have been too young to participate. Several years ago, this now man brought it up. He mentioned it in a “Do you remember when…” statement. I responded with “What the fuck are you talking about!” He started to describe scenes, and I immediately got nauseous. I reassured him that I would never participate in such a thing and was angry at the suggestion. He continued though. The rapes those boys committed on me fucked that man up bad. His sexual fantasies went down the path of women being tied and gagged and then gang banged and group raped. Although there might be some, I am sure very few women actually enjoy being tied up and gaged while multiple men take turns on them.
Date Rape:
This sadly is the most common. Men tend to say things like: “She was asking for it.” “She was so drunk.” “She couldn’t have expected me stop once we….” Often, but not always, it happens in teen years. In adult women, drugs are often used.
I had been seeing this guy for a while, and I really cared for him. He was so charming. One night, he serenaded me. It was so sweet. Then he offered me a massage, very nice. We had been dating for a while, so he talked me down to my underwear for a massage. It seems like we were talking while he rubbed my back and then WHAM! He pulled my panties over and forced himself in before I knew what was happening. I tried to get up, and he took his right arm and pressed it down over my shoulder blades so I could not move. I started crying. I kept trying to wiggle free but could not. When he finished and released me, I covered myself up. I asked him “How do you think that made me feel?” He just grinned and said “I don’t care” as he walked out of the room. I sat there crying for a moment and then got my stuff and left. There is a good chance if he had taken a bit more time, I would have had consensual and pleasurable sex with him, but I was definitely not physically or emotionally ready for that! What made it worse was that he wanted to keep dating and did not seem to understand why I was no longer interested in him.
Date rape is the most common and the least reported. In my teen date rape, the physical violation hurt, but not nearly as bad as the emotional pain. In that case, if I had reported it, I would have been met with the argument that he had reason to believe it was acceptable to penetrate. I did not tell him “NO.” I had also removed some clothing willingly; it would not have been classified as a rape to authorities. I did not think I could talk to anyone either. My friends thought he was cute and wanted to have sex with him, so trying to explain why I was not ready would not have worked. There was also the guilt of “I set myself up.” I put myself in a position that made it possible for him to do that, so of course, it was my fault.
There were other times as well that if videoed would have been considered rape most notably with my husband. Unfun fact, it wasn’t until 1993 that marital rape became illegal nationwide. In the United States before then men could take their wife by force anytime they wanted too.
Research has shown that “rape” in general is not because of sex, but because of power and control issues. This is another good reason why we should not only overcome it, but talk about it openly, honestly, and often. If you are thinking about suicide because some ass hole raped you, you are giving them absolute control. Please do not do that. We need to start talking about how only undesirable men need to force themselves onto someone who is generally smaller and physically weaker. It takes the power away from them. They are not “Big Strong Men” that can do this. They are undesirable losers that prey on smaller people. We need to take away the “power” they think they have. We do that by not letting them control our emotions and actions and by talking about what losers they are openly and freely.
Sexual assault trauma is different than others because it is a complete violation of autonomy. The other problem is the amygdala – the part of the brain that translates memories into associations. A great deal of rape or molestation victims may not be able to describe a shirt, facial features, or other physical properties of the assault but they will never forget that smell. Smell is a memory that doesn’t get logged with tangible identifiers and it is really hard to describe. During a time of recurring flashbacks, I couldn’t figure out what was triggering me so bad – why I couldn’t keep it together then one day I walked in the house, and it hit me. We had a house guest that for some reason smelled similar to the man that had molested me for years. That was the trigger! Everything else was different but that musky, sweaty, stale air smell I got hit with when I was home was sending my subconscious on a repeated journey to some place, I did not want to be. Once I identified the similarity in odor, I could address the flash backs and memories that created the emotional roller coaster I was on.
I am going to give examples of two different groups of people that overcame great trauma.
Vietnam Vets—
I have known several vets and have heard their stories. The most notable, though, was a random stranger. I was triggered and wondering. A man came up out of nowhere, and the first thing out of his mouth was “I did not want to go.” He got my attention. He continued: “I was drafted. I did not want to go, but they made me. I did not have a choice. They made me. I did not have a choice. I did not start the war. I did not want to go.” He continued talking, and I let him. He said that it was finally over, and they told him he could go home. He was so happy, but when he got home… people were extremely mean to him. He told a story of being assaulted outside of a bar because he was wearing his uniform. He also told stories about trying to talk to his family, but they were mad at him too.
In his story-telling phase, “I did not want to go; they made me” came up frequently. Vets and rape victims are the two groups of people most associated with PTSD. Both were forced into something that they did not start, something they had no choice in, and something they could not talk about after. Both blame themselves, wondering if they could have done something different. Neither are actually to blame for an event that someone else started. They were forced into compliance and then blamed for participating. Another similarity is when they turn to the government for help, they often get turned away or have to jump through hoops to prove they were hurt and that they need help.
Holocaust Survivors—
What they lived through is horrifying! They were raped, mutilated, experimented on, burned alive, imprisoned, starved, and treated like objects, not people. What they endured is worse than anything I could imagine.
An Interesting fact is that very few holocaust survivors developed PTSD. Does that strike you as odd considering what they went through? When interviewed, two themes emerged. One was that the terror they suffered was recognized as BAD. They had people all over the globe fighting for their rights and fighting to make sure that what was happening to them should be stopped immediately.
The other is that they knew they were not alone, and they could talk to each other. This is what I want to stress and what you should take with you on your journey of healing. You are not alone. Vets have issues because until recently, they did not have anyone to talk to and were blamed for having to participate in a war they did not start. Rape survivors will have others blame them for putting themselves in a position to get raped. I have even heard people say dumb ass things like “She should have known not to go to her car at night without an escort.” Can we both say “What the fuck?” A woman should be able to go to her car after work without being assaulted by a stranger and raped. The problem is not the woman’s actions. The problem is that rape is often blamed on the victim. When you start blaming yourself, think about this vet and so many other Vietnam vets that were assaulted, condemned, ridiculed, and blamed for participating in a war they did not start, they were drafted into, and were forced to be physically and mentally abused. Would you blame them? Is it not the same thing?
Your recovery from sexual assault is important because we need you. We need you to be all you can be. Giving into that scum bag that hurt you only hurts you. There are others as well that need someone to talk to, someone that knows how bad it is to be violated. I think you will find that talking to them will be good for both of you.
Sexual assault like most evils in the world may be committed for a multitude of reasons. There are tons of studies and perpetrators have been interviewed. There’s no one thing that can bring this crime to an absolute halt. But I do think if we as survivors start talking about it openly and put the guilt and shame on the perpetrators where it belongs eventually, over time, being an asshole will be less appealing. I am so proud of the Epstein survivors that banded together and brought out the truth. Although justice may not come as we would like in the U.S., across the world those that associated with the pedophile ring are starting to feel the consequences. Hopefully the Tate brothers will be prosecuted and shamed next.
Healing is there – but it’s easier when we do it together.
“RAINN’s mission is to stop sexual violence by supporting survivors, holding perpetrators accountable, and creating safer communities.” https://rainn.org/
RAINN’s National Sexual Assault Hotline offers free, confidential, 24/7 support in English and en Español.
Call 800.656.HOPE (4673)
Chat at RAINN.org/hotline
Text HOPE to 64673