Relationships are what makes the world go ‘round. There is more money spent on relationships than anything else: dating, therapy, family counseling, marriage counseling, personal growth, weddings, divorces, buisness advisors, trade negotiators, HR, managers, WAR and the list goes on…
It is a very complicated field. How to get along with someone that is not you? Truth is, a great deal of us wouldn’t get along with ourselves if we were cloned. Now throw in PTSD. You would expect that to complicate things. I don’t think it’s as easy as that.
The majority of my life, I have worked with and around people. It is almost impossible to tell who has PTSD and who doesn’t. PTSD can be identified as an unpredictable or inappropriate social response to a stimulus.
The problem is there are a lot of people that act or overreact to things that have never had a trauma in that area.
There are very large, masculine men that will freak out over a spider. They have never had a spider encounter that threatened their lives or those they love; yet they react as though the presence of a spider is life threatening.
People can have a great deal of phobias and paranoia that have nothing to do with experience. Some are afraid of heights and have never fallen off of a building. Others claustrophobia and were never locked in a box. I have seen people completely loose it, over a bee. My first question is if they are allergic – they usually say no. Fun fact I have seen people stand perfectly still next to a bee and tell me quietly that they are allergic and their epi pen is located ______. So, does PTSD really affect interpersonal relationships?
In some ways it does, but if you follow the “Golden Rule”, it shouldn’t. People use this rule often in an attempt to adjust the behavior of someone else, while simultaneously ignoring it for themselves. Here is my translation: To get to know someone else well enough to find out how they would like to be treated. That means if their wishes are to be left alone – you should respect their wishes.
It would help considerably if we were honest with others and with ourselves. In people watching (eaves dropping), there is an enormous amount of people worried about how others see them.
It is so problematic that people will behave Not like themselves, so others will like them.
I find this fascinating because the more you pretend to be someone else, the less likely it is, that they will ever get to know you well enough to like you. It’s an ugly cycle.
I love interviews with celebrities that talk about how people are surprised that they are not like the character they portray on film. Hugh Laurie is a fantastic example. He plays Dr. Gregory House in the series “House”. His character is an American, crude, jerk. In real life he has a strong British accent and is known for being an absolute sweetheart.
When we play a role that is not us – we never receive the love we could have.
There are different types of relationships, and I found that whether we mean to or not we treat them differently. There is behavior I would accept from an aunt that I would never put up with from a friend. Friends can do or say things that I would never allow from a romantic mate and if a boss or co-worker treated me the same as any of the above list, I would have issues; unless we were friends first.
Where PTSD really comes into play is if the person in front of you knows you have issues and intentionally pushes those buttons.
Knowledge is key. I have physical signs that I have been triggered. My eyes turn grey. It’s also been described as they gloss over. If someone really knows me, they can tell that I am there, but NOT there. You can see this in Vets telling war stories.
This glaze over is often a sign of having active flashbacks, but trying to stay connected to the moment. I call it double screening. As though two realities are happening simultaneously. It is a skill, grown out of necessity. If you are dealing with someone like this – that’s a different situation. I’ll address triggers and flashbacks in a few chapters. For now, the most common PTSD relationship problem is the “Broken Picker”.
The next chapter goes over what can be described as my worst relationship. Considering I already had a fairly bad relationship with men, what comes next won’t be a surprise. In my travels and talking to others though, the phrase “My picker is broken”, comes up a lot. After listening carefully to them talk and my experience with my relationships I came to the conclusion, that there is nothing wrong with the “Picker”. It’s a bad “BULL SHIT” meter!
This just doesn’t just apply to romance but friends, co-works, politicians, and others.
I’ve been there too. When we got together ________. When we first met________. They said if I ______ or if I didn’t_________, everything would be fine. Far too often we try to hold on to a relationship that never was.
My ex even told me he lied so I would marry him. If I were smart. I would have just packed my bags and left. If what I accepted to be our relationship was just a game – I should have called it Game-Over.
It goes both ways. Sometimes we only see what we want to see. I once dated the perfect man. He was incredibly attractive, great cook, phenomenal lover, he had a job too. At first, he cooked for my family once a week and played board games with us. He told me he wasn’t a board game player, but when he did, he seemed to have fun. Yah, game night stopped. He took me to the fair, we had a blast. He told me he didn’t like fairs, carnivals, or that type of thing, so that didn’t happen again. I would try to push him into all of the things that helped me fall in love with him – but that is not who he was. That’s my bad.
Red Flags, White flags, there’s a sign, maybe if ______. Maybe we need to fix our Bull Shit meters before we get in a close relationship.
Listening helps, but people lie. I recommend watching how they treat others. Here is another scripture “Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.” Matthew 25:40.
Watch how they treat the invisible people in their life. The servers, clerks at the store, attendants, people on the street, others when driving, people that are not you. Dating is called a game for a reason. To catch a mate. A person’s true character can be seen when they are not trying to impress but just being themselves.
If you are already in a relationship, check your meter. Is it going off? Are there enough signs that the person you fell in love with isn’t the person you are currently with. They could be a Duck.
The Bullshit meter should be used on all kinds of things. I’m sure you’ve noticed I am anti Podophile protecting. My aunt had two victims sitting right there next her, when she found out, her response was “He wouldn’t”, but there was a look on her face. Like she was thinking back that there were strong signs that he was a podophile and molesting the young girls in the family. It was as if it took that long for her meter to go off.
Being lonely is from a lack of intimate relationships, not sex. They are two different things. Sex is a biological function – Intimacy is when someone really knows and likes you. To fight the lonely, you need to go out as yourself, and build relationships being you.
If you want my relationship advice:
Start going out and around other people. Maybe there is cause you can get behind…even if it’s under water basket weaving. Start doing the things you want to do, and you will start meeting the people that like the same things you do.
If you don’t know what you like, start volunteering. Try different things. Just put your phone down and go touch grass!
Just keep your Bull Shit meter on while you’re out.