Covid left a bad scar on the world. There seemed to be a new level of depression and fear that wasn’t there before. It hurt me, to see people so sad.

     If you had told me at any point in my life before 2020 that I would be doing balloons for a living, I would have asked you to take a drug test.

     I was never anti balloon. I did it off and on through the years just for fun. I learned at the same time I did my A,B,C’s , just a skill I have.

     The carny year’s, of my life were bad, but I could separate work from home. The two didn’t really mix. Random strangers were always pleasant – it was the grownups at home to fear.

     When we released from Covid I took some balloons out a few times. People laughed, giggled, and engaged with each other. Some even tipped, which was really nice.

     After the book was edited and I put it aside. I kept thinking we need a safe place to talk. The gloom from Covid made it even more important to have something created.

     Problem, I am poor, and I didn’t know anything about programming. All I knew was that I didn’t want a log in, avatar’s, ratings, algorithms, bots or tracking on the site. In my imagination, these things were extras.  Sadly, we now live in a data collecting era. Buying and selling data is, in of itself, a buisness. It turns out to bypass all of those features is a great deal of research and work.

     I reached out to some people to see about funding or partnership, but they didn’t understand what I was talking about. There are a lot of PTSD chat rooms, but I wanted one without trackers or ads. This meant I had to build something myself.

     Learning to program is like learning an entirely different language. I don’t want to bore you but there are different types of codes that do different things. When we click a button lots of things happen in the background.

     I did get an extremely basic example up before I left school, but it didn’t hold up to testing.

     Fortunately, in my dating, I had at one time been with someone in cyber security – so I knew to test. Basically, you need to try and break things in several different ways to see what gets through.

     This is as irritating as it is important.  A month’s worth of work might need to be scrapped with one bad scan. It wasn’t something I could get done overnight.

     When I had a portion of the first draft up, I showed it to a co-worker and she started crying.

     She told me that when she was younger, she was kidnapped, gang raped for days, and left in a field to die.

     She had to go on public assistance, she couldn’t function, she couldn’t work for years, and she had no one to talk to. She was crying with excitement that this type of program was really needed and thanked me for building it.

     My brain went: click-click. She is right. When trauma/flashbacks hit it can be difficult to function. I expanded my goals. I added Stronger-US.org. Then I needed to learn mapping too.

     I came up with a plan. I got a bit of help, the insurance for my tools, a camper van, and hit the road. My new plan was traveling America, mapping out all the local, small-town resources, spread joy with balloons, while building and promoting PTSD.Online. It’s a great plan – I still love this plan.

     Except only a fraction of the people that get balloons tip, programs and all the computer stuff is expensive, and I didn’t have funding. Those were just tiny obstacles.

     I ordered balloons through Amazon, so I could have them delivered anywhere I was. 

   My stand changed over time as money and the environment changed. Eventually I got signs that said PTSD.Online and it was predictable. No matter where I was or what event I did someone would show up at breakdown.

     They would tell me their story and how they really wished PTSD.Online was up when they struggled. It was everything from car accidents to kidnappings, loss of a loved ones and work stress.

     I remember one mad gentleman specifically. He tried to put up a tough show and told me he wanted to be famous. I asked why, he said so people will listen – I told him I’ll listen; and I did for hours. His countenance changed as if the burden he had been carrying alone was lifted.

     I don’t want to get too sidetracked, but we really need to address the social stigma with male molestation and rape. These things are generally done by other males which really creates a mind fuck, in exactly what masculinity is. He is not the only male that has come to me.

     I had a cousin when I was gearing up to travel that spent hours helping me with gender neutral programing and words. Unfortunately, women are taught early that rape is something that happens and almost to expect it. Men are not, so when it happens to them, there’s an overall questioning of their entire identity. This is truly a societal issue. Men need to teach men not to rape – not anyone!

     I like doing balloons with trauma recovery because we need to learn to dance through the rain. When I look back at the horrible, I can also see moments of pure joy. Eating sandwiches at the neighbors, playing with bees, also there was a church family with horses that would let me ride in the field all day if they could get me away from mom. My aunts combing the knots out of hair. Things were bad but a moment of laughter could stop the tears. It doesn’t take the pain away. It gives it balance. Life is like that you know – like a drop of water, it goes up, combines with others, comes back down, and starts the cycle all over again.

     People ask me all the time: “What are you selling?”, I tell them kindness. There is no corporate sponsor here. No government funding. You tell me what you would like, pick out a color, and I – a stranger will craft in front of you, a gift for you – no strings attached.

     People take pictures and videos. People have come back to me with their pictures as screen savers because that moment of joy meant that much to them.

     Here is why I think what I do is important. People watching tip more than the people getting the balloons. Just last weekend a couple dropped money in box and said: “Thank you, for letting us watch you.”. They are not watching me – they were watching the giggles, and laughter is contagious!

     I don’t run a balloon stand – I never have.

It is a kindness stand.

     One stranger performing a kindness for another available to all regardless of their economic, identity, social statis, or how they look or smell.

     I have had to set rules – no pushing, shoving, name calling or being mean, not even to me. I try to enforce one balloon per person, especially if there is line.

     One of my happy moments is when I was at a regular market I do. I asked some boys to pick up trash they just dropped – they didn’t. The girls I was making balloons for said: “They can’t get a balloon today – they littered”. I laughed and told them, they were right, unless the boys picked up their trash, I was not going to make a balloon for them. I’m not a complete push over.

     I still like my plan very much. Travel the United States spreading joy and laughter. While in the background mapping local resources and putting them up for communities to share.

     At the same time I can spread information about PTSD.Online’s availability, so people going through a trauma can reach out and have their burden shared.