I spent  years working on an auto-biography, PTSD-Sucks. I had an editor years ago that was very interested in my story. She wanted a straight chronological approach. It didn’t feel right.

     At that time, I was still suffering from the multitude of debilitating features that created the PTSD diagnosis. My days were full of triggers, flashbacks and random blackouts; nights inflicted with nightmares, terrors, and thrashing.

     I had started seeing a specialist in abnormal phycology. He informed me that these “problems” are normal for someone with my background and extremely difficult to overcome. I continued therapy but abandoned the book.

     The next writing occurred during Covid. I had overcome a great deal of the side effects, and my many quarantines allowed me the time. As the time before, an editor volunteered to edit for free and after months of work; we thought we had a finished product until… I had someone else look at the book. My new set of eyes did not even make it through the first page of the new version before asking “What did you do?”.

     She had read a few clips from the first draft. She pointed at my soft opening and stated I was pulling punches. She was right. I wanted a book that actually talked about trauma, and how covering them up only amplifies the problem.

     Next was a well needed critique. She asked: “Who is this book for?”, I responded “For people like me, people that suffer from PTSD”. My memory may be a bit foggy, but it felt like she slammed the book down on the table and said, “Put your spaghetti brain back in the book.” She continued “that people that suffer from PTSD think like you do”. They run things through associations and generally do not think like the organized outcome my book had become. She was right. I had now cleaned the book up to the extent that it was no longer what I intended it to be. It would need to be re-written.

     When I got home, I dropped the draft on my nightstand and left it there. I just kept thinking about what was in the book and how it truly resembled almost every other PTSD book. The “theme” was the same – Talk – recovering from trauma is not just about time, it takes a debriefing. The process of walking through the trauma and analyzing what, when, where, and accepting the emotional pain that echo’s long after the trauma has ended.

      For those that read this because of the “story”, thank you, but my true purpose is to give hope and potential healing for others. 

     I tried to continue my life but kept the draft in sight. What we really need isn’t another book. We need a way to reach each other. I looked into the programs that were available and decided nothing out there covers the fear some face when reaching out for help.

      I spent years building and rebuilding PTSD.Online an anonymous place for people talk to others that have experienced similar things. I’ve added portions of my book to encourage others to open up.