If you did not like the numbers for rape, you are going to dislike the numbers for domestic violence even more. In the United States the average is 20 people per minute. That means three people every second are beaten by someone they love. Globally, 35% of all women killed were killed by a partner, 72% percent of all murder/suicides involve an intimate partner, and 94% of the victims of these murder/suicides are female. US domestic violence is real and does not discriminate against class, race, or religion.
It would be safer for me to travel across country by myself on a motorcycle than it would be to get married again.
This is also an area where victim blaming is strong. Why does she put up with it? Why doesn’t she just leave? It is also considered a social norm to keep your wife and children submissive and obedient. Unfortunately, those of us raised in some churches are brainwashed that if we are beaten, it is because we deserve it.
Abusers are often the sweetest most caring individuals you will ever meet. They are often charismatic and frequently hold a position of respect and authority. More often than not, there are no signs to the soon victim. My mother and I experienced the same thing. We were dating someone that seemed to adore us, loved everything about us, the future was discussed, and we got married. By morning, the behavior of our spouses was unbelievable.
My mom said that my father literally used his foot to kick her out of bed to make him breakfast the morning after the wedding. My spouse, the day after marriage, explained to me that although he was supportive of my goals pre-marriage, now none of those things were acceptable, not as his wife. Other DV victims have explained that they never saw it coming. It seems to be the point that when we become wives, we then become property. The implication is that we are no longer human.
This is an area that has been acceptable for hundreds of years. It is only going to be men standing up to men and opening discussions about the subject that will change it. Remember that Bill Cosby was a serial rapist, and it was hidden to save his reputation. The Catholic church pays millions every year to keep abuse cases hidden from the public eye. DV is in those categories. It is something that gets pushed under the rug and hushed so the abuser does not “look bad.”
They can be bad people, others just aren’t suppose to find out.
My marriage:
It was our wedding night that everything changed. He was very matter of fact in how things would be different now. Before we were married, he loved my hair, and I was beautiful. Now that we were married, I needed to go to his hairdresser and have my hair done the way he wanted it. Make up too needed to change. He took me to expensive places to pick up the makeup he liked and was adamant that I start wearing a perfume.
Everything I had planned for my life became unacceptable; after all, I was his “wife” now, and as such I should behave accordingly. My family was one of the first things he cut out. I shouldn’t need them now. I had his family to take care of. His mother was omnipresent and now my responsibility.
He did not like opening mail, so now the bills were my responsibility, only he had control over how much money I had access to. He also had traditional values that I should have meals ready as he was hungry and to his tastes. He needed to look good when going out in public, so ironing became a full-time job of mine as well. He had a shop, but liked to play golf all the time, so it was my job to keep up with the work so he could golf as often as he wanted.
He was a cruel and selfish lover, but according to the paster, it was also my responsibility to pleasure him as he desired. Yah, we were in the church. He was head deacon, and I taught Sunday School and was at the time a certified Christian counselor.
I had my heart set on having children. My ex and I discussed in depth and agreed on three. I got pregnant right away, and I was thrilled—the husband not so much. He was very angry. He insisted that I have an abortion.
Yes, my Christian husband, a leader in the church, wanted his wife to have an abortion. I refused. For that I was bombarded every day about how fat I was going to get. He said that he never wanted children and only agreed so I would marry him. He was cruel.
It was constant verbal abuse of how I was going to ruin my body and how he planned to talk me out of children once we were married.
Accidents started. There were small things at first. He wasn’t meaning to hurt me, but oops. I started having problems with the pregnancy, and the doctor put me on bed rest. The work in the shop was very physical, especially my chores. Bed rest was not allowed.
He said if he had to work, I had to work. I started bleeding and cramping, but he insisted that if I were to keep the child, I would need to keep up.
I woke in the middle of the night to severe cramps. My cervix had opened enough for the umbilical cord to fall out, and then it closed back up. I was 5 months along, the furthest I have been able to carry. The baby was gone, and now I needed to deliver a still born.
There were further complications, and I was put under and taken out of my husband’s sight, apparently for hours. When I woke, he was sleeping by my bedside.
The nurse asked if I was going to be ok, and I reassured her I would. She asked about my husband, and I told her he did not want the baby, so I am sure he is happy.
On the way home, he was very upset with me for telling the nurse that. I told him it was the truth. He agreed but insisted I didn’t tell people he didn’t want the baby.
On the outside for a while, we were the perfect couple, but accidents kept happening, accidents that left me covered in bruises. I would not believe he would do things on purpose to hurt me, but he took pleasure in my pain.
He crushed my hand in a car door, and as I was screaming for relief, he smiled and held the door across my fingers with joy. It seemed the more pain he could inflict on me, the happier he was.
The church’s counsel was that I submit, be a good wife, and show him God’s love.
In time he started using cocaine again, only I did not know it. I was told he was around town with other women, and all I could say was, thank God! I truly did not want him touching me anymore.
Things came to a head shortly after we lost the baby. I am not sure how the fight started, but I know how it ended. He knocked me down to the ground, sat on me, and pummeled my face over and over. He fractured my skull cracked my face open, and I started squirting blood.
He stopped, looked at me, and said he liked the sweater I was wearing, and I should change before I got blood on it.
No shit, my husband pinned me down, fractured my skull, and his problem was that I could get blood on my sweater.
I grabbed a few things and went to my parents’ house.
The beating I took did more than just get blood on my sweater. It caused internal brain swelling and nerve damage over ¾ of my face. I could not feel my nose or lips for months. The black eye he gave me was also quite notable.
Oddly, an ex-cop told me to get photos because he would claim it was one hit. The damage showed it was far more than that. This was before cell phones, so pictures were not that easy to take.
I tried staying with friends. The numbness in my face was not healing, and although I told him I would not go to the doctor, I did not feel like I had a choice. I made an appointment. I was told that the damage was severe—more specifically, if I took one more blow to the head, it would most likely kill me. I needed out NOW.
I left the doctor and went to the house. It looked like he was not home, so I went in and started packing—he caught me.
I was a broken record. I kept repeating that I am just getting my stuff and leaving, just getting my stuff and leaving.
Remember I had nerve damage over ¾ of my face and arrived with the information that one more hit would kill me. My ex was extremely sadistic and again loved creating fear and pain in me.
He kept talking about how he was going to rape me and enjoy it. He kept grabbing my parts and going on about how much fun he was going to have raping me.
I dodged him as long as I could, but he pinned me again. I was turtled on the floor while he continued his banter and assault. I grabbed a little knife and just held it while he pressed in on me. He leaned onto the knife in his assault, but it was a little knife, so all it did was piss him off more.
Now the fight turned into him raping me and cutting me up. He almost got my thumb completely severed when he let go and left.
I grabbed the phone, barricaded myself in the laundry room, and called 911.
I did not know where he was or when he was coming back. I stayed locked down until I could see a uniformed officer. Thank God.
There was a moment of checking how much blood I was losing, then I was under arrest.
Domestic Violence is a real issue.
I have been to multiple group therapies, and the story is usually about the same.
The other women in the groups or other women I have met individually all say the same thing. The man they loved was the sweetest, most charming, and wonderful person they knew until they got married.
Some women reported living with their intended for 5 years or even 10 years, but it was their wedding night that they ended up with someone completely different. The other marker that instigates this change up is pregnancy. Some women say the wedding vows were fine, but once their man found out she was pregnant, he started hitting. Now she is married and pregnant and leaving is much more difficult.
Every case is different, but as you hear the stories, you will find some similarities; these are the strongest:
He did not mean too; it is my fault—The Change-Up
This one I know. We did not agree to marry these men because they were control freaks. When we dated and got to know each other, they were incredibly sweet. The change in their behavior must be our fault. They are very good at explaining to us exactly what we did wrong to cause their anger. They did not mean it, and as long as we do not ____, it will never happen again.
Does that sound familiar to you? Yah, it is exactly what our parents would tell us. Most of the other women I talked to, in or just getting out of a DV relationship, also came from a background of child abuse. To myself, and others with an abusive background, this “change-up” feels normal.
He only hits me/He does not hit me—If he hits, he hits
I heard a story a long time ago about two wise old men that were arguing passionately. There were a couple of bystanders watching their heated debate. One of the bystanders asked if the other thought it would turn to blows? The other responded, absolutely not! The moment one of them hits, they have just conceded they do not have a logical argument.
In my childhood, my mother’s reasoning was that he did not hit her. My dad’s argument was that he did not kill mom. There is no logical argument here. All this shows is that my dad wanted to cause pain to someone.
If you can walk through the abuser’s reasoning and come to the conclusion that it is just about inflicting pain, he is most likely not going to change. It most certainly was not the target’s fault for the violence. If you have been blaming yourself—Stop. If you are still in the situation, you need to start planning a safe escape. I cannot stress enough to keep this plan to yourself. Do not tell him you are leaving.
“He only hits me” seems acceptable to those out of a child abuse background. I can take a hit, but to watch it happen to someone else hurts far deeper. The real thing you need to consider is that your children ARE being traumatized by knowing that you are being hit, even if they are not seeing it being done. This also perpetuates the cycle of violence, even if unintentional. You do not need your children growing up with the belief that hitting is ok for any reason.
Breaking this cycle and forgiving yourself for allowing violence to continue usually takes detachment. The following example comes to mind.
I was at the grocery store, and the isle I was in had a mom with two kids. The smallest was probably about two, walking but barely. The older was maybe four or five, about waist height. The mom was on her phone. It did not seem too urgent—no fight or flight responses showing. As the mom was distracted, the little one started wondering off. The mom started calling her name, and the toddler was unresponsive but kept going further away.
The mom then turned to the older child and informed her that she should get her sister. The older one likewise started calling the toddler’s name. There was still no response, but now the little one was a great distance away. The mom put her phone down, went to the older of the two children, grabbed her by the arm and started spanking her, repetitively and forcefully. I could hear the sound of the blows quite audibly. That child did not deserve to be physically assaulted because the mom was too lazy to get her own toddler. This happened in a grocery store. I cannot imagine what those children deal with at home.
In our state, spanking your child is perfectly legal, but there should be rules about WHY you are hitting them (of course it would be better to just not hit).
If you are accepting your abuse, take a look at other abuses. You might find that when it happens to someone else, you lose the ability to justify it. Think of other battered women or children. Do you think it is wrong for them to get hit? If it is wrong for others, it is wrong for you as well.
Financial Dependance—A real problem!
This is a major reason women stay in a violent home. Abusers tend to take FULL control of all of the finances. This is done through several means, one of which can be to keep the woman pregnant. My mom tried taking real jobs a few times, but she was either pregnant, or childcare cost was more than she would make. Centers that take in abused women and children are often full, and it takes a lot of work to even qualify. The number one thing a DV counselor will tell you when getting out is DO NOT go to friends or family. Leaving an abuser is almost a death sentence. I added the link below that 75% of women killed by a partner are killed when trying to leave. The advisors know this and advise that you go someplace the abuser is not familiar with. The other problem with going to friends or family is that you could be putting their lives in danger too.
Financial control can also be done through other means. My grandma owned a donut shop many years ago. My grandfather would go steal the money out of the till. My aunts also tell stories of grandpa taking money they earned from other work. Sometimes the abuser will literally steal the money so you do not have it.
Then there is restrictive financial control. This is the one I suffered from. We had a shop, and I worked in it every day. My spouse did not like working, so more often than not, he would spend his days golfing or doing other things. However, all of the money coming in would be put in his personal account. Only when I showed him how much money I needed for the bills would he release any funds. I repeatedly complained to the clergy in marriage counseling that I needed my own job, but the paster sided with my husband that this was the “best” arrangement. My ex was not just looking for a sex doll, but slave labor as well.
Living in their car is not always a good option either. It is most likely in the abuser’s name, and he will report it stolen to find her. DV counselors will also advise to NOT get a restraining order if the mate is prone to violence. All that does is give him the address to find you. Calling the police officers can be extremely problematic. They can only lock the abuser up for 24–48 hours, and now he is raging mad.
Financial restraints are a major problem with escaping an abusive mate. If you are still in a DV situation, you may need to bide your time and get resourceful. DO NOT tell him or imply that you are leaving. This could be a death sentence. If you have gotten out and are wondering/blaming yourself for not doing it sooner, do your best to stop feeling guilty.
We often forget what that moment was like and how hard it was to get out. If you love someone who is putting up with this, please stop criticizing them. Talk to them privately and see what you can do to help, they are feeling bad enough already.
Other Reasons
There are many reasons you could have stayed in a domestic violence situation. I will mention others that I have known.
I know how you feel. I lived through it too, as my mother before me and hers before her. This is another cycle we need to put a stop to.
I have a very dear loved one that married a man she thought was wonderful. He was not physically violent per say, but he was emotionally, financially, and verbally abusive.
She worked whenever she could and brought the little one with her because he was not going to “babysit”.
They lived in poverty, and when there was money, he would spend it on alcohol or things for himself. It was their second child that created a difference in her life. Like myself, they were in marriage counseling through the church, only her paster was much wiser.
During one session, her husband left the room for a moment. The paster looked her straight in the eye and said, “This man has NO respect for women; do you want him raising your daughter?” That hit home with her. She was raised in a household where women were property, not people, and she was not about to let her daughter be raised the same way. She got out!