The brain is an amazing tool. It has a self-defense mechanism that is often discounted. One of the things our brains do is put problems behind you. There are more in-depth chapters about the brain, how it functions, and how Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) develops. There are also numerous studies, and I have read too many books to count that cover: flashbacks, PTSD, trauma, and self-help. A problem with most of these books is that they read like a research paper—someone studied something. Books about personal struggle are often written like a novel, something to read but not explanatory. I’m writing this as something I wish I would have had. The story – something to give insight…Cute stories – to lighten things up… Song references- to give feeling… and  my experiences explained. 

     I would like you to read this with internet access. This is an online condensed version, but it still has links to additional information. 

     I am addressing interconnected issues. Someone that lived through child trauma is more subject to being in a domestic violence situation later in life. A person that has lived through molestation is often prone to being raped later because they may not recognize sexual advances. If you were a victim of child abuse, molestation, domestic violence, or rape, you are also prone to experience repressed memories, PTSD, flashbacks, suicidal tendencies, nightmares, substance abuse, and yes, prison. Each of these subjects deserves their book. Maybe I’ll write them one day. 

     I was first diagnosed with PTSD in the early 2000s. It seemed like a misdiagnosis to me. I was seeing a psychologist for what I thought, was stress and sleep issues. She tested me because of the matter of-fact way I addressed what she considered trauma.  I was cold and disassociated as if things were happening to someone else. It was years later before I felt the full effects of what my brain had been hiding from me.

     If you are reading this, you probably either love someone dealing with PTSD, or you are the sufferer. Not all of this will be useful for everyone. I am going to try and lay it out chapter by chapter so you can skip around. This is not a “soft” read. It will have foul language and graphic scenes. I have found that addressing trauma by skipping the pain is like cleaning the snow out of your driveway with a spoon. It can work, but it will take forever, and most people will give up, hoping it clears up by itself.

     Trauma is not an easy subject to address. As a survivor, it hurts to have things brought back up. As a loved one, it hurts to know someone that you love has been hurt. I will explain PTSD in more detail in the following chapters, but it happens when our brain gets reminded of bad things. When it remembers them, it wants to show you what it is remembering. The problem is that the way it shows us is not very helpful. It usually tries to remind us by raising our heart rate, pumping adrenaline through our system, and throwing scenes in our brains that are too fast for us to understand. If we do not understand while we are awake, it will bring these things back up when we are sleeping. This causes nightmares or night terrors. These can get so bad that we will wake ourselves up to avoid them. This can cause sleep deprivation and getting better gets further away.

     Until recently, it was assumed that there was no cure for PTSD. Even now studies are still being done. What they did find is that there is no pill and no “easy fix.”  I was diagnosed years before I could say I “suffered” from PTSD. I spent over a decade taking pills, going to different levels of therapies, checking myself into institutions for help, and drinking. Some things helped and some things made matters worse. This story walks you through my successes and errors. I am not at this time a doctor or a phycologist. I am someone that has spent years battling with PTSD and all the complications that go with it. One of the drugs now being used in clinical trials is Ayahuasca. I do have a chapter on it as well.

     Two of the most common treatments for PTSD are medications and avoidance. Modern medicine often uses drugs to stop your brain from bringing up or reacting to memory associations. If you go off the drugs, they will most likely come back. Another treatment is to avoid all triggers. Since these are frequently repressed memories, you may not know what the triggers are. The main problem I found with this approach is that when you are exposed—things can get really BAD, really FAST. Neither of these treatments are “cures.” They just postpone or prolong the problem.

     I don’t believe in emersion therapy. I think that’s a good way to end up in looney bin. I do however believe in putting your toes in the water. If it doesn’t throw you into shock, then maybe your foot – maybe then you splash around and eventually you start swimming. If you suffer from any of the subjects I am going to address and start to trigger – Stop Reading! Take the time you need, then pick it back up when you’re ready. My hope in writing this is not to retraumatize you, but to show you how I learned to deal with PTSD. If you can tell when you’ve been triggered and you step away – calm down – regroup, over time you should be able to work through the feelings of being triggered and hopefully eventually the trigger itself.

     The feeling you get when you are triggered is your body’s natural response to danger. It is called fight, flight, or freeze (FFF). It is problematic since generally we are not in real danger at the time we are triggered. It is just a memory of something similar that our brains have picked up. Since it reminds us of a time we were in danger, it triggers the same physical response.

     This book is designed to help you learn and control those responses, like a workbook of sorts.  If a scorpion stings us, it paralyzes the nervous system that the poison runs through. When we are triggered, it is the equivalent of being stung by a scorpion. Once the venom from a scorpion is spread through the nervous system the effects may include: “Difficulty breathing, Muscle twitching or thrashing, unusual head, neck and eye movements, Drooling, Sweating, Nausea and vomiting, High blood pressure (hypertension), Accelerated heart rate (tachycardia), Restlessness or excitability, or inconsolable crying in children.” These are also symptoms of PTSD responses and the Fight, Flight, or Freeze (FFF) reaction. https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/scorpion-stings/symptoms-causes/syc-20353859

 Here are some tools you will probably need to get through this book:

      If you do not journal, start. To recognize what your triggers are and things that help you overcome them, you will need a reference guide. I am an avid journaler. I have been for years. When I trigger, I stop writing. The pages that lead up to the “blank spots” have proven to be very useful in recovery. It is important to track what is normal for you and what is happening before you trigger.

10 things to track are:

1) A feeling of disassociation—like you are watching life, not living it.

2) Being jumpy—every noise and sound bothers you.

3) Fear—you do not want to be around people, but you do not want to be alone either.

4) Feeling lost—like you need to be somewhere else, but when you go someplace else, you do not want to be there either.

5) Feeling edgy—simple things start setting you off, but you do not know why.

6) Over drinking or drug use.

7) Nightmares/Terrors—these can often lead to sleepwalking and cause you to thrash in the night, leaving bruises. You generally sweat uncontrollably and possibly talk in your sleep.

8) Any medication or medical changes.

 9) Anything else specific to you ie: diet, exercise, sleeping habits.

10) Happy things! This is very important. Recovering from trauma is hard. Keeping a record of things you enjoy in life will remind you of why you are working so hard at recovering. I have added Cute Random Stories (CRS) to  show you there is joy even in hard times.

     Read this like chewing gum. You do not put a case of gum in your mouth, all at the same time. You chew one piece at a time. After you have read a little, wait a little while, then read more. Give your brain a chance to chew on the information. Then have another piece.

     Find things that relax you before starting. We all tend to have things that relax us. Some people like to color or sketch or do crafts. Some take hot baths or drink tea. Yoga is a fantastic way to open up your airways and calm your heart rate.  Some play brain-dead games like fishdom or candy crush. Find something that relaxes you and have it handy.

     Set time aside. I am writing this in a way that could create triggers. This is intentional. The problem with PTSD is that it feels like it is hitting you when you cannot handle it. If you can be triggered, learn what and how your body is reacting, then calm yourself. Over time, the triggers become manageable. I recommend only reading at night after your day is done or on your weekend when you can allow yourself time to calm down.

     Take as much time as you need. If these subjects are too hard, take a break. Put some time between the last trigger and the next. There is no test. No one will be checking on your progress. This is to help you manage your life better. Reading faster will not make you better faster. It is learning what you are reacting to, calming yourself, and dealing with your specific issues. Addressing your issues over time is what will cause the healing. Recovery is a process, and it is in your hands. You can work on your issues diligently, or you can just pick at them little by little. I will also bring up that you do not have to do anything either. If you feel you are fine, and you do not want anything to change, that is your decision to make.

Fill in the blanks. I have left _____, feel free to fill that in with whatever applies to you. This talks about many issues and has several different stories, but your recovery needs to be specific to you.

     Here is important background information. I am a woman, and this is written from a woman’s perspective. Information in this can be very helpful to men also. Please accept the gender bios it is written in. PTSD has caused serious problems throughout my entire life. It was only recently that I took the time I needed to work through my issues and heal. I am aware that writing this could affect my livelihood and potentially my safety. It could put me under scrutiny and criticism. I am doing this because if I can overcome a barrage of horrible abuses, I am confident you can too.