I brought up smells being a triggering point. The amygdala (subconscious) records the things you may not normally be aware of. It picks up sights, sounds, taste, and touch, but these run through your thalamus. Smells bypass that center; it is called “odor evoked autobiographical memory,” a mouthful. There is an enormous amount of information out there on the amygdala, and I have been looking for a YouTube clip you could pull up easily. For smells, here is a cute short video that kind of explains how what is recorded, and where: (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vY-HbcPInXw,) SciShow, “How Smells Trigger Memories,” July 20, 2015).
When talking about ayahuasca, it is important to understand how the brain functions and what it does. This involves the basic neuroscience behind the chemicals. Some of you may not care; you just want to know if it works or not. However, it is important to first understand what it is doing to your brain that would allow it to work or not work. Ayahuasca activates the neocortex/amygdala/insula, simultaneously. These are areas of the brain that affect your memories and your reactions to memories.
I researched ayahuasca for years before I used it. Any time you put a mind-altering drug in your system, there is going to be some danger. When done wrong, Aya can kill you. Legitimate treatment centers do a health and mental screening before accepting a patient. This is for your safety; please do not lie on it.
Here is Ron White’s Account: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lvb9X_3P5v4&t=64s . The place where Ron White went, told him that he had to stay sober for a while before they would accept him. Traditional medicine wasn’t working and I felt like I was getting worse. I needed to do something.
Where I went there was a group of about 10 people. If you research it, you will find different accounts of how it affects different people, both the pros and the cons. I recommend that you do your own research and make sure you know exactly what you are getting into before you sign up.
Something that comes up in almost every account is that this is not a “fun” experience. They call it “purging.” It is your body expelling things it does not want. Generally, there is uncontrollable vomiting, sweating, and possibly diarrhea.
This is one of the reasons you should have a medical exam prior to attempting Aya. For most, it increases the heart rate and body functions as it over stimulates the brain. This causes your body to react in ways you may not like.
Different shaman mix it differently. Where I went, I was told I cannot overdose. When my body has had enough, I just will not want any more. I took much more than anyone else in the group, and I threw up on the last intake of my tea.
The stuff tastes AWFUL! It is one of the most disgusting things I have ever consumed.
They gave us citrus as a chaser, but I found Altoids were needed as well. Different places that use Aya for treatment, will have different restrictions. Find out before you go what the limitations are for your center.
Ayahuasca is a personal experience. There are many stories, but most will admit that the actual experience is unpleasant. Ron White talks openly about “getting the shits”. I brought up his version because he also talks about someone else that had a terrible past and how it scared others as she faced her demons.
This is a common problem with recovery. When we face our demons, other people are uncomfortable and do not understand. I am glad she was in an environment that was safe for her to heal in.
My first experience:
Prior to the ceremony, we circled up, and people told their stories, why they were there and what they were hoping to get out of the experience. Ayahuasca is practiced as a spiritual ritual and prominently referred to as “medicine.” We were all told repeatedly that the medicine will give you what you need even if it is not what you want. It also explains why each experience can be different even with the same doses for the same people. Instructions were given not to set expectations even if you have done it before and to stay open-minded.
I had never done a hallucinogen before and was still a bit nervous. As others started having reactions, I did not notice anything. I did get hungry, like I had not eaten in weeks. I also felt tired, like I could sleep for a month. The shaman kept checking on me to make sure I was okay, so sleep was not available. It did irritate me, but it was for my safety. Since I was not hallucinating, I just watched the other people.
Some got up, moved around, talked, and were clearly under the influence of something. Most stayed in bed, some continually cried, and others just rustled around and were relatively uneventful.
The shaman took great care dumping bowls, checking on each of us, asking about our needs, and trying to make people as comfortable as possible. He also offered more treatments, and since I was not experiencing anything, I took everything I was offered. There was still nothing.
One of ayahuasca’s attributes is that it is a start-and-stop type drug. You can almost set a clock to it.
When you drink, you can wonder how sober you are or if your blood alcohol concentration is still to high even if you feel fine.
Pot has a lingering effect as well; you start coming down. Ayahuasca is there – then it’s not. When the time was over, the shaman returned our keys and phones and then built a fire outside for us to enjoy.
This was a wonderful evening. People shared their experiences, what they believed before and how their “visions” helped them see things in a different light. I kept thinking about the Johari window.
If you are not familiar with this, it has four windows. The first window is things you know about yourself, and things others know, such as, “I like chocolate.” Then there are things others know about you that you do not know. One example of that is: I was told that when I trigger, my eyes gloss over. Things known to self but not known to others would be secrets we keep intentionally. Then there is the not known to self and not known to others.
This is the section I wanted access to. Why do I act and behave the way I do? What is going through my skull when I trigger? This was the purpose of my entire trip. This evening, though, I had no insight into what was wrong with me.
The next day, I enjoyed the people very much, wonderful, kind, thoughtful individuals. I loved hearing their stories, and I opened up completely about why I was there.
I could talk about prison, abuse, and fears. They were great listeners as well as great story tellers. I found out there was someone else there that had also suffered a wrongful incarceration for much worse charges and all the baggage that comes with the courts.
He had come to terms with both the disadvantages and advantages of the experience; that is something only time can do.
Another individual like myself became very hungry during the experience. The reason this is such a weird side effect is that we were in a room full of people that were vomiting.
There were awful sights, sounds, and smells. Generally speaking, when you are surrounded by people getting sick, you do not think “I would like to eat something, I am starving!” As it turns out, she like me suffered from food deprivation as a child. The cause was different, but the experience was the same.
The next night, the ceremony arrived again. This time I took even more. I was determined to have the same kind of self-revelation that everyone else had. Again nothing! By the time the others started to come down, I was crying and angry.
I wondered if it was like hypnosis, something I had paid for a few times but never affected me. I was mad at myself again for not being like everyone else. I talked to the shaman. He said that I am not the only one he has served that did not have an experience, but it is rare.
It was chocked up to “You are not ready to receive.” This, of course, just made me cry harder and get madder. I was ready! The PTSD had fucked up my life enough, and I needed it stop!
I left disappointed, frustrated, and hurt; I was trying to map a new plan for my life. I figured if these interruptions were going to continue, I would need to make new choices. There would be no Law school. Not only would the classes be hard, but I could not allow myself to trigger if I was practicing.
I definitely would need to start living alone. I am very blessed and loved by many, but when I trigger, and they cannot help me, it hurts them.
I was giving up on getting better and trying to figure out the best way to live a healthy life while still being sick. Then it started to happen…
I was about halfway home on a 3 day travel schedule, when my brain started filling up with old memories.
I was not triggered. There is a big distinction. There was no hazing, no need to run and hide, just memories. I would love to tell you they were about picnics and barbeques, but that would be a lie. It was some pretty awful stuff. Only in a way, I could control it. I could think of other things. I had full awareness of where I was and what I was doing.
They were just memories, horrible, awful, painful memories—but memories.
Everything did not come back all at once. My brain probably knew I would not have been able to handle that, but gradually, over the next few weeks, more and more memories would appear as a previously triggering event would occur.
In the past, I might haze or go blank. Now a memory would pop up, and I could rationalize. Now I could understand why something such as a smell would bother me.
The healing in Aya is not just about the chemical activity. Other things go with it.
To prepare, we are instructed to stop putting bad things in our bodies, to eat healthy, sleep regularly, and give ourselves the physical care we might normally skip out on.
Most people comply based on the idea that it is just temporary. Plus, if they are investing time and money, they want to do things right.
The aftercare, I think, has a major impact on the Aya results as well. Instructions are also given to lighten our schedules and allow time for new thoughts and behaviors.
We give ourselves permission to slow down our normal pace of life, because it is necessary.
Even without Aya, the pre and post instructions are good advice. An argument can be that if we made a point to take better care of ourselves every day, we would not need a substance to help “make us better.” Unfortunately, for most, and especially in America, we are taught that we need to push things, and if we cannot, we are weak.
I need to give another warning. There is a reason our brain fractures. I knew things that were locked up in my skull were locked up for reason. There was some pretty horrible stuff in there.
My travel home included multiple rapes, beatings, being locked up, starved, and countless other abuses. It was a hard ride home. I am touching on the subjects here, but a few sentences are not nearly as traumatic as the actual events. This is also where the psychosis or “bad trips” might come into play.
Aya is opening up the subconscious part of the brain for the memory center to accept. The subconscious has no rules; anything goes there.
Bringing memories out of the subconscious or vault allows us to truly process them. They still hurt—that does not go away. There is, however, a huge difference in knowing something happened and feeling like it IS happening.
I did think that my first retreat with Aya made me meaner. I felt an inner hate and justified in that hate.
My blackout memories started coming back too. I could see what the triggering events were, and that compounded my justification. I started looking at people as cruel.
Internally, I fought with myself. When my good memories would come in, I wanted to deny them. Aya is known for helping people forgive, and I did not want to live my life in hate, so I did another round.
Third Aya:
I still did not have any visions or hallucinations. I again became very hungry. No nausea, no diarrhea, just hungry and tired. I ate and had a very restful nap. I woke up less disappointed and more with the attitude of wait and see if anything changes.
This third experience helped considerably. I could clearly understand how people can love you and yet still hurt you.
Memories of when I was hurting, and I unintentionally and intentionally said and did things so others would hurt too. It reminded me that we are all human with both good and bad circling inside of us. I was back to laughing and singing. But I started having sleep issues again.
I am sure most of you can experience waking up and remembering a dream. Sometimes it fades away and sometimes you still recall it years later. Sleep is our natural Aya cycle, when our brain can communicate with itself, without us interfering.
After a couple of months, I crashed again. Considering other episodes, this one was not that bad, but it was still a blow. Now, though, I had a tool. I did another round of Aya, only in this one, I guided it and had an experience.
Fourth Aya:
My previous ayahuasca experiences were the same. I got hungry, tired, and slept. There were no visions, no colors, no hallucinations. It was usually a day or two later that I would notice a different attitude, thought patterns, or new memories. There was nothing dramatic, just small things little by little. This time I took Aya with a question: “What is going on in my head?
It started out the same. I got hungry. Since I am not prone to “purge,” I ate. I put on some comfortable jamies and crawled into bed. Aya lasts about 4 hours, depending on the dosing. I went to sleep and about 3.5 hours later woke up “ish.” I was still under, but scenes started playing in my head. It was a series of suffering to put it nicely. The scenes cycled…
I was a child yanking on the doorknob of the room I was locked in and banging on the door. I was crying and eventually crying myself to sleep against the door, waiting to be let out / I was rocking on my bed holding my stomach, crying, telling myself “When I grow up, I will never be cold or hungry.”
There were multiple scenes and different variations of how I am just a girl and will never amount to anything / My mom’s voice was saying “He’s not making you mad, you are deciding…./ If this is how you are going to behave….” / My dad’s voice was saying, “I’ll give you something to cry about….”/ I was in prison with the “clank-clank” of the doors locking me in./ A bombardment of insults ran through as well, everything from “You’re a poo-poo head” to “Ya, she is beautiful, too bad she has to speak.”
With these things, though, an avatar would show up to tell me how wrong these things were. Now I see it as lies we learn in childhood.
There is a Psychological problem called the Illusory truth effect https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/illusory-truth-effect. This is where you hear false information so often that you start to believe it. (There are a bunch of these repeated fabrications in politics today – that’s a different book.)
Part of my crashes had to do with believing the lies I learned in childhood, even though I knew they were not true.
I catch myself sometimes saying out loud “That’s a lie”. I has gotten me in trouble…but I like it when my first reaction is that’s a lie I learned as a child, but now I am a grown up and I do not have to believe lies.
Does AYA work? I didn’t experience what most people consider “a trip”, the strongest it has ever been for me is lucid dreaming.
For the most part I don’t get sick – except for the flavor YUCK!
Did it help me look inside myself to pull the ugly out? Yes, but it took years and multiple treatments over stages of recovery.
It took me through panic, then anger, then when I thought I was better, then back to the core of lies I was believing. I would and probably will do it again, but please remember always with clearance from your medical team, in a safe, legal, environment.
Here is the bonus information…. I read several personal experiences that said the results only last for about 6 weeks. My experience is that others expected me to act, react, and behave in a predictable manner, one that could be taken advantage of.
Somewhere in my growth I turned on my bullshit meter and adapted the phrase “Not OK”. I also use the word NO, a lot now. I will even give it the back up of: “I don’t need a reason”.
It takes roughly 6 weeks to make or break a habit. Aya can open you up to things you like or don’t like. Things you do or do not want to change. It takes Society about 6 weeks to push you back in the closet you were trying to get out of. Just food for thought.
Do I recommend Aya?